Talking Donkeys and Miserable Food

Biblia Luna #72

Welcome to Issue #72 of Biblia Luna, the weekly newsletter about the intersection of mental illness and faith, written by a pastor who lives with depression. I put the holy back in melancholy!

Image by Microsoft Copilot AI

Hopefully Tomorrow

I find a number of stories in the Bible to be funny. I find it amusing when the prophet Balaam is riding his donkey, and the donkey swerves several times to avoid an angel of the Lord. Each time Balaam doesn’t see the angel and hits the donkey. Finally, the donkey has had enough, and speaks to Balaam, saying, “What the heck? What’s wrong with you?” And Balaam responds, “You’re tormenting me. If I had my sword I’d kill you” (Numbers 22:28-29). You never see a violent argument between a man and his donkey in the Bible movies.

On the day of Pentecost, when all the apostles can speak in different languages, some people are amazed at what has happened, while others sneer and say “they are full of new wine.” My absolute favorite line in the story is when Peter stands up and begins his sermon like this: “Indeed, these are not drunk, as you suppose, for it is only nine o’clock in the morning” (Acts 2:14). Don’t worry, friends. The apostles will be three sheets to the wind at happy hour, but never in the morning.

I also love the story of when Paul is preaching, and his sermon is so long and so boring that someone falls out of the window to his death. “A young man named Eutychus, who was sitting in the window, began to sink off into a deep sleep while Paul talked still longer. Overcome by sleep, he fell to the ground three floors below and was picked up dead” (Acts 20:9). Paul brought him back to life, thankfully. But sheesh. I’ve been preaching for over thirty years, and I’ve never preached anyone to death.

And then there’s the story I want to talk about today, which is in Numbers 21. This is going to be the first reading for next Sunday in churches using the Revised Common Lectionary. This is yet another tale of God’s people the Israelites on their forty-year journey from Egypt to the Holy Land, yet another tale of them whining and complaining. But I find their complaint here especially funny: “The people spoke against God and against Moses, ‘Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we detest this miserable food’” (Numbers 21:5). Yep. There’s no food, and we hate this miserable food. Classic.

But seriously – the Israelites were engaged here in cognitive dissonance. This is when our brains are telling us two (or more) simultaneous things that make no rational sense together. You’d think this would be rare, only the result of some kind of mental illness or injury. But no – it happens a lot, to all of us. And I think the reason why is because our brains don’t work the way we think they do.

We like to think that we’re rational beings, that we make rational decisions based on rational thought processes. But it’s really not the case. It turns out that we are emotional beings – most of our decisions are actually made in the emotional centers of our brain, like the amygdala. Our rational brains spend a lot of time rationalizing our decisions, coming up with rational explanations for why we want to do something, or why we did something. It’s counterintuitive, and it doesn’t feel like that’s what’s happening, but over and over again scientists have found evidence for this.

It means that we’re not exactly who we think we are. And that can be scary. It means we might not know ourselves as well as we think we do. We might not be as reliable or trustworthy as we expect. It’s humbling. But it’s okay. That means we can be a little less judgmental toward ourselves when we do something we think is out of character. It means we can be a little more patient with ourselves when we just can’t seem to get our act together, when we can’t seem to be the person we think we should be. As Paul wrote to the Romans, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15).

And it means that if we really want to figure out who we are, we have to put our trust in something greater than ourselves, something that can give us that identity. And for Christians that “something” is God. God tells us that we are the “apple of God’s eye” (Psalm 17:8). God tells us that we are “a little lower than God, crowned with glory and honor” (Psalm 8:5). God tells us that we are God’s beloved children (1 John 3:1). God promises to love us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).

God loves us, whether we understand ourselves or not. And God seems to have a sense of humor, so we don’t have to take ourselves quite as seriously. And if that gives you some hope for today, then I’m glad. And if not, well, hopefully tomorrow.

Acceptance Affirmations, Vol. 3

A few years ago, I wrote a list of things I accept. Or more accurately, things I’m trying to accept. I’m sharing a few more of them this week. More to come!

• I accept that I will not do these things perfectly, and that I will make mistakes. When that happens, I can learn and grow from these mistakes. I do not need to punish myself for my flaws; my flaws are what makes me human.

• I accept that I will sometimes fail to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes I will fall into old habits. Again, I do not need to punish myself for this. With the help of others, I can stand up again, make amends if necessary, and move on.

• I accept that while it’s my responsibility to take care of myself, I cannot do it alone. I have to ask for help from time to time, and there is no shame in that.

• I accept that I am not my behavior. I can evaluate my behavior, but it is impossible to accurately and honestly evaluate the complexity of my “self.” (from Nick Rajacic)

Biblia Blessing

I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. No longer shall they teach one another or say to each other, “Know the Lord,” for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, says the Lord, for I will forgive their iniquity and remember their sin no more. (Jeremiah 31:33b-34)