Welcome to Issue #69 of Biblia Luna, the weekly newsletter about the intersection of mental illness and faith, written by a pastor who lives with depression. I put the holy back in melancholy!
Hopefully Tomorrow: Dust is Dust
Lent begins in three days. In three days, it will be Ash Wednesday, and many Christians will receive a smear of ashes on our foreheads with these words ringing in our ears: Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
We do this each year so that we can begin this season with the sober truth that we are mortal. It’s not intended to be morbid. Lent isn’t supposed to be a time for us to flog ourselves over our sins and imperfections. Lent can sometimes turn into that, but there’s an irony in that. If we focus so much on how bad we are, focus so much on how selfish we are, focus so much on how we fail to serve and love others, it can turn into navel-gazing. So much of what we do wrong day to day is because we were too self-absorbed. How ironic if we try to atone for being so self-absorbed by instead being self-absorbed in a different way.
But if Lent isn’t about being morbidly self-deprecating, I do think it is intended to include a healthy dose of self-reflection and honesty. One of the most difficult things I try to do sometimes is “right-size” my role in things, my role in my job, in my relationships, in my own problems. I tend to go to the extremes. I’m either the best pastor in the world, or the worst. I’m either supposed to be intimately involved in my kids’ lives, or avoid them as much as possible for their own good. I’m either the source of all my problems, or I’m a victim of my disease. None of these extremes are true, and in my head I know it. But in my heart, it’s so hard to find shades of grey.
When I hear the words, Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return, it’s so easy for me to hear them as, “Remember that you’re a piece of garbage, and you’ll end up on the garbage heap one day.” But that’s not what the words mean. Not at all. They mean, “Remember that you are not a piece of garbage, but neither are you a god. You are mortal, you are both flawed and beautiful, you are both saint and sinner, you are both filled with potential and filled with failure. You are both, because you are dust.
Dust isn’t bad. And it isn’t particularly good either. It just is. And that’s what we are made from – dust. We are not intrinsically good or bad. God’s presence in us makes us good, and our failures tarnish that goodness. But we will be renewed. We are dust, and we shall be again. And there’s hope there. God will work with us exactly as we are, and renew us, and make us alive. That’s the promise of Lent.
Bishop’s Conference
Every year, the bishop of the Northeastern PA Synod calls a special two-day conference to which all clergy and other leaders are invited. These conferences typically have a keynote speaker, and are on a topic that the bishop believes is important that year. This year’s conference just happened last week, and the topic was “Finding Holy Focus in Hungering Times.” The keynoter was a clergy coach who works with pastors to help them navigate difficult and challenging situations.
There was also a panel discussion featuring three panelists who each talked about a different “helping modality,” and how each of these can be helpful in their own way, and also in coordination with each other. The three modalities were coaching, spiritual direction, and therapy. And I was invited to be the panelist speaking to therapy. Not because I’m a therapist (which I’m not), but because I have such experience talking about the interplay between faith and mental health, and because I’ve become so open about my own journey through therapy. The bishop had a copy of my book in his hand as he introduced me, and spoke very highly of it. I felt a combination of pride, humility, and impostor syndrome.
The panel discussion went well, and I had a number of good informal conversations with others at the conference about my story and what we might be able to do to help others. And I sold a dozen books! So it was good, and I’m hoping that going forward, I might be able to get my name out there and give some talks at various congregations.
Biblia Blessing
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10, New Revised Standard Version