Welcome to Issue #70 of Biblia Luna, the weekly newsletter about the intersection of mental illness and faith, written by a pastor who lives with depression. I put the holy back in melancholy!
Hopefully Tomorrow: What Makes You Alive?
During Lent this year, I am taking an online course called “Lent with the Mystics,” led by Carl McColman. I receive an email three days a week with quotes and thoughts from Christian mystics, as well as practices to try. The practice I’m working on right now is on the surface a very simple one, but I think I’m having a harder time of it than I expected. This practice is based on the writings of 20th century mystic Howard Thurman, who wrote, “The world needs people who have come alive!” McColman suggests that Lent is a time when we are invited to “truly, deeply, really, come alive.”
And so the practice is to “do what makes you come alive,” whatever that happens to be for you. Now, first off, there’s a tension there, a cognitive dissonance with what we usually expect from Lent. After all, this is the season that opens with words like these on Ash Wednesday: “I invite you to the discipline of Lent: self-examination and repentance, prayer and fasting, sacrificial giving and works of love.” Those things don’t sound exactly the same to me as “do what makes you come alive.” But cognitive dissonance isn’t a bad thing. It’s part of being a Lutheran, I think. We learn to hold onto the tension between one thing and another. We learn to accept that multiple things can be true, such as being both sinner and saint at the same time, such as God being both one and three at the same time. And so forth.
So it’s not the dissonance that makes it hard for me. It’s hard for me to really figure out what makes me “come alive,” and it’s hard for me to actually do it. I journaled about this, and wondered if walking labyrinths makes me come alive. When the electricity is restored after a power outage, I certainly come alive in a big way. Walking in the woods can do it sometimes. Writing can do that too, especially when I get into some kind of groove.
But I digress – it’s not really important for the purposes of this essay what makes me come alive, but rather how easy it is to neglect to do those things. You’d think that I’d be champing at the bit to write or walk or whatever whenever I have free time. Instead, it’s hard work to get myself to do those things. It’s so much easier just to do something that’s numbing, like playing video games or watching YouTube videos. Why is that? Why do we find it so hard to do the things that we know bring us life? Is that a human thing? A depression thing? Just a me thing?
So I keep playing games with myself, trying to get myself to do the things I know I want to do. My newest attempt this week is to actually get some “writing” time on my weekly schedule, instead of trying to just fit it in when I can. Because I think I’ll be much for likely to do it if it’s scheduled.
But the good news is this: those things that give us life are always there, just waiting for us. No matter how many times we fritter opportunities away, God is always there waiting with the next one. So we can forgive ourselves when we fritter – and we can try, try again. And hopefully tomorrow, we’ll do it.
Acceptance Affirmations
A few years ago, I wrote a list of things I accept. Or more accurately, things I’m trying to accept. I thought I’d share a few here. Maybe I’ll share some more in future issues.
I accept myself for who I am. I am a child of God. God loves me, and I love myself. I wish good things for myself, and will do what I can to keep myself safe from the slings and arrows of life.
I accept that I am capable of great good. I have made a difference in the lives of many people. I have made people’s lives better, through my actions and my words. While my intentions are not perfect, more often than not, I am trying to do good.
I accept that other people have also been hurt, offended, or upset through my words and actions. Sometimes, I have been at fault, through thoughtlessness or anger. Sometimes, I have not been at fault, and the other person took something I said or did in a negative way because of their own stuff. I can never know for sure which of these is which.
I accept that I make mistakes, some of which cause pain. I do not expect perfection from myself, only that I keep trying, and keep learning from mistakes.
I accept that I do not need to solve all the problems around me. I accept that I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. I am responsible for doing my best with what I have in each moment, nothing more. I accept that that sometimes doesn’t seem like enough.
Biblia Blessing
The thief enters only to steal, kill, and destroy. I came so that they could have life—indeed, so that they could live life to the fullest. (John 10:10, Common English Bible)
Love the affirmations!