Abide in the Breath
Biblia Luna #76
Welcome to Issue #76 of Biblia Luna, the weekly newsletter about the intersection of mental illness and faith, written by a pastor who lives with depression. I put the holy back in melancholy!
Hopefully Tomorrow
In my sermon today, I reflected on John 15:9-17. In this passage, Jesus says, “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Abide in my love.” I talked about how all of the commandments in scripture come down to one simple yet complicated commandment: “Love one another.”
In fact, in another passage in the gospels, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was. He said, “Love the Lord your God, and a second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.” Two commandments, but they’re alike. In my sermon, I compared this with inhaling and exhaling. Perhaps breathing in is receiving God’s love, and breathing out is sharing God’s love.
Perhaps the simplest unit of life is breath. All living things must breathe, in one way or another. Take in from the environment, and give out to the environment. In our natural world, there’s a beautiful balance between plants and animals. Plants inhale carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen, and animals do the opposite. Based on both science and scripture, it seems as though God’s intention is for us to be breathing, that life is about taking in and giving out. Receive love and share love. Love one another. Nothing else is as important as that.
When we’re living as we should, when everything is working as it should, there’s a beautiful homeostasis here, a balance. And yet, when something goes wrong, it all seems to fall apart. The following is a quote from my book Darkwater, where I describe the feeling of what happens when this homeostasis fails.
Another day, I meditated on God’s grace. I considered the idea that grace is something we receive, and which we then give away, like breath. You cannot exhale without first inhaling. You cannot inhale without first exhaling. Grace is the same. Or call it love. Or compassion. God uses our hands, our words, our bodies, our spirits, to share grace with the world. The grace that enters us is not a possession for us to keep. It’s like breath, something to nourish us, which we then are called to send into the world. I believe that I am a conduit of God’s grace. But what I cannot believe is that I am “worthy” of it. This image came to me through my meditation:
God’s grace comes into me, and then goes out again, just as it does through everyone else. But in my case, the path it travels is different. Because it does not reach my heart. Instead, it flows into me, and out of me into the world, but it is diverted within me. There is a kind of “shunt” that diverts it around my heart, to make sure I do not receive any of the grace myself. I am grateful that I can be used by God in this way, but I do not experience the love. I have probably built this shunt myself, because I do not want what I do not deserve.
On my darker days, I feel like I do not deserve the love of God that I proclaim others receive. So I do not believe I receive it. I believe that somehow that love flows into me and out again without touching my heart. What I need to hear on those days is that the image I saw in that meditation is wrong. What I need to hear on those days is the words of Jesus: abide in my love. I need to hear the words of Jesus, As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Jesus loves me with the same love, the same urgency, the same compassion, as the Father loves him. That’s a lot of love. Deserve or not, it’s there. And what I need to hear on those days is that the most effective way to share that love is to receive it, to truly receive it. To accept that it’s there and embrace it.
God’s love is real. It’s our job to share it. And it’s our job to receive it and embrace it too. Sometimes that’s a message we need to hear most of all. Please tell me that when I need it. I’ll try to remember to tell you too. Hopefully we’ll internalize it soon…hopefully tomorrow.
Dust in the Blood: Book Review
I just finished the book Dust in the Blood: A Theology of Life with Depression by Jessica Coblentz. Coblentz is a professor of religious studies and theology at St. Mary’s College. She also has a personal history of depression. In her book, Coblentz shares well-researched insights into the experience of depression, both her own and those of others. She talks about common Christian thoughts about depression, which can be grossly summarized as either “it’s a punishment from God for your sins,” or “God gives you depression in order to teach you.” She then takes a look at suffering in general, and current Christian theology (Catholic and Protestant) on where God is in the midst of suffering. She adapts and hones this theology into a surprisingly comprehensive theology of life with depression. Finally, she offers some concrete suggestions for theologians and congregations on how to relate to people in their lives with depression.
I was surprised and delighted as Coblentz developed her theology, because it ended up very similar to my own. I certainly found new insights and thoughts, but it was more affirming for me than anything else, to see that I’m really not that far off-base with my own thoughts about faith and depression.
I’m not sure how accessible the book would be to someone without some level of theological training. If that’s you, then you might want to read a sample (Amazon usually offers samples) before buying it. But to those of you who do have that training, I highly recommend it as a way of exploring how suffering and depression can fit into an understanding of Christian faith.
Biblia Blessing
“You did not choose me but I chose you.” John 15:16, New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition