Welcome to Issue #8 of Biblia Luna! In this weekly newsletter, I share a few things each week related to mental illness and faith.
Crazy Lectionary (27th Sunday in Ordinary Time)
This is the third week in a row that I’m looking at the Second Reading, a reading from one of Paul’s letters to Timothy. This is from 2 Timothy 1:1-14, verse 7 in particular:
God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. (New Revised Standard Version, Updated Edition)
This is a rough one for those of us with mental illness. We do have a spirit of cowardice within us. At least I know for sure that I do. I have a spirit within me, a very negative and dark spirit that makes me fear myself, fear others, fear the future, fear the past, fear everything. A spirit “of power and of love and of self-discipline” sometimes feels very far away. I feel weak and empty, not powerful. I feel hated and unloved, not filled with love. And I feel like I have no willpower at all, not a spirit of self-discipline. That negative spirit is in me – it’s not the spirit of God, but it’s definitely there. And it doesn’t feel like it’s my own, either. That’s why I refer to my depression and God as “voices” that I hear – the “Dark Voice” and the still, small, whispering voice of God. It’s like they’re outside forces both working on me from different directions. I can absolutely understand why some people feel that their illness is like a spiritual battle being fought on the battlefield of their mind. My own experience isn’t quite that vicious, but I can understand how it could be.
Hearing this verse – that God gave us a spirit of power, not of cowardice – can add guilt to an already struggling mind. Hearing these words can make us feel like we’ve done something wrong, that we have failed to take hold of what God has given us, or even that God has chosen not to give it to us.
But my own experience tells a better truth.
God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline.
Perhaps it’s good to interpret that verse this way:
That spirit of cowardice you have – it is not from God. It is a terrible force that lives inside you and wreaks havoc, but it is not from God. It is demonic. But God has given you something else. God has given you a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, and that spirit that God has given you can fight for you. It can fight back the demonic spirit that holds you down. It can be your champion now and every day. It will not always seem to win. The demonic spirit is still strong. But God’s Spirit in the end is stronger. And you can trust it. Even on those days when you can’t find the hope, God’s Spirit is stronger, and will hope for you. And that Spirit will win in the end. Hold onto that.
Helpful Resource
When I was on medical leave in 2017, I explored a number of different things — in a way, I was kind of “scattershotting” my mental health. One of the things I discovered was an online course called Making Sense of Your Life, with Drs. Dan Siegel and Lisa Firestone. It was a fascinating few weeks, and money well-spent. The course describes several types of “attachment patterns” that may have been active in your childhood, and how those experiences have most likely affected your personality and your ways of relating to other people today. It enabled me to look back on my past, and view the places I’d been and the person I’d been as one whole narrative, and how everything impacted everything else. I’m not sure I’d have been able to turn my life story into the narrative of Darkwater without having taken this course. I highly recommend it — check out the website for more information.
Darkwater Update
Last Sunday, I recorded an interview for the podcast Ignorance Was Bliss. I have also now joined a website called Podmatch, which is kind of like an online dating service for podcast hosts and potential guests! I now have another interview scheduled for October, and I’m in conversation with a few other hosts. Slow, steady progress…
Biblia Blessing
Nothing is impossible for God.
— Luke 1:37, Common English Bible
The word Power has a negative connotation to some. It's changing, especially for women. However, there are those, men and women. who prefer the comfort of cowardice.
.